After months of covert surveillance and undercover investigation, we here at Tom Bath's world of entertainment can exclusively reveal that Osama Bin Laden is currently based in Longton, Stoke-on-Trent - not Afghanistan as was previously believed. As a front for his terrorist activities, he has set up an independent business called 'Osama's Jihad Bakery'. Based in a residential flat, he and his cohorts bake semtex into meat pies and export them around the globe. Our intrepid reporter, Tim Stockin, has spent months tracking the operation. After gaining the group's confidence, posing as an Al Jazeera hack, he was allowed an exclusive behind-the-scenes glimpse into their seedy and dangerous world.
Bin Laden pictured here tampering with a meat pie.
Wearing the uniform
Handling an explosive pie with ruthless cool
A full-frontal poseWhen quizzed about his methods, Bin Laden was succinct with his reply: "I send the pies to my friends. Then they sell them to the infidels. Whose heads then explode. I'm a genius."
Longton Police have been informed of the operation, with a police source saying: "We'll definitely check it out once we've nabbed the kids who smashed the front windows of Matalans."
With top flight detective work like that, the war on terror must be nearing a triumphant end.
As for my part in it. I think i deserve the Nobel Peace Prize. And nothing less.
