Chinglish

I never knew such literal translation existed. Until today that is. As i was mindlessly thumbing through Tyson's Daily Express, desperately trying to avoid the pit of despair that is BBC 1's morning schedule. Unless you're willing to build a house entirely from antiques that you bought at an auction and then sell said house for a profit at another auction to fund a skydiving trip for your elderly mother then it's just not relevant. They should put some different programmes on. Good ones. Like 'Wake Up With Cliff'. Presented live from Cliff Richard's bedsit. Where trained experts venture in and poke him with sticks until he wakes up. And then film him as he reheats last night's chicken doner and chips whilst swigging deeply from the Carling can with the fag ash in it. With commentary from David Attenborough... Now THAT’S entertainment.

Anyhoo. I digress. The Express has carried a double page spread detailing how Chinese Olympic bosses have released a series of bizarre signs for English-speaking visitors in preparation for the Beijing games.



It features such nuggets as ‘Crap Eggs with Bamboo Flavour’. ‘Please don’t hurt the animals while teasing them’. ‘Slip carefully’. And my personal favourite. ‘Naïve Bear Paradise’. I’m thinking seriously about finding this place and getting involved. Tell the thick fuckers that I’m from the picnic basket police. And if they don’t give up their loot, I’ll be forced to sell them to a Russian man of thorough disrepute. Who’ll tie a rope to their neck and make them dance in return for a damn good flogging.

Apparently, Beijing is full of these Chinglish curiosities. Here’s a few that I’ve found on le web.



Spread to fuck the fruit. Does this mean that there is a spreadable substance which when it comes into contact with fruit will make it go rotten? Or is there a paste that must be smeared onto one's member in preparation for penetrating a pineapple? Hmmmmm



Garden with Curled Poo. Those cats are a bloody nuisance. Mind you. I think i'd leave a few presents if the owners of the garden had just cooked and eaten my Mum and Dad. That's just bad karma. They should just do what Tyson does and throw old shoes at them out of the window. That scares them off a treat.

And finally...



ICE BOY TAKEN TO THE STREETS. I really haven't got a clue about this one. Except maybe that, judging by the picture, some bizarre sexual experiment involving a bucket of ice and the Emperor's daughter has gone terribly wrong. With the protagonist being paraded through the streets and beaten as a warning to any other would-be deviants who are thinking about corrupting the head honcho's little girl.

Chinglish. It's now my favourite language. It's also this chap's favourite. He's even written a song about it. Remember kids. The answer is Chinglish. Huzzah!


Oh, and by the way. If any of you are wondering who Tyson is. He's currently walking around the house chuntering to himself because the boiler has exploded.

Throb on