Vanessa & The O’s & The Free Download Extravaganza

I am poor. If I were an animal, I’d be a mouse. And if I were a mouse, I’d live in a church. And if I were a mouse that lived in a church, I’d owe the mouse bailiffs. And if the mouse bailiffs came a’ knocking, I’d have to tell them that they couldn’t have my last piece of cheese. Or my mouse babies would starve. I’d also tell them how irresponsible it was for them to give my mouse wife a credit card. Being the terrible spendthrift that she is. Ordering bloody shoes and dresses off mouse-bay. She must think I’m made of money - Anyway. The point is. I haven’t got any disposable income. Meaning that my addiction to music must be fed through illegal downloading. Which is all well and good until I can’t find what I’m looking for on le web. Which is precisely what happened yesterday.



I was tootling along the myspace highway when I came across a band. Vanessa & The O’s. From French France. I thought they were better than sliced bread that’d been sliced in half again and again and again until it was simply bread paper. They’re brilliant. More on their tunes later though. I checked my usual download sources but to no avail. I checked Amazon, where their album currently retails at £17.99. Which is precisely £17 more than I can afford. As a desperate last attempt, I typed “Vanessa & The O’s free download” into Google. More out of vain hope than anything. And there it was. On a site called we7. So I steamed in and got the album. Made myself a mug of tea and prepared myself for a jamboree of cosmopolitan French pop noir.



“THIS MUSIC IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY CAFÉ DIRECT, THE UK’S LEADING FAIR TRADE HOT DRINKS COMPANY, DELICIOUS TEA, COFFEE AND HOT CHOCOLATE….. AND NOW ON WITH YOUR SEXY POP MUSIC.” She didn’t say the last bit. I made that up. But still. I nearly fell off my chair. There’s a 10 second advert before every tune. It’s like listening to the album via a local commercial radio station. There’s an advert for a Sony Ericsson shaky walkman phone, one for some iPod speakers and ones for various other bits of expensive tat that people who have to download music for free can’t afford. Which got me thinking. They’ve missed the point here. Their target audience are essentially tight arses. Surely the ads should reflect this. “CARLING. 8 FOR A FIVER AT BARGAIN BOOZE.” “FREE BIG-MAC IF YOU PRESENT THIS DOWNLOAD AT PARTICIPATING RESTAURANTS.” “DUBIOUS GEORGE HAS GOT THE NEW INDIANA JONES FILM ON PIRATE COPY. HE’LL BE IN THE SWAN WITH 2 NECKS FROM 8PM. 3 SQUID TO YOU SIR. BARGAIN.” It makes perfect sense.



You could even take it one step further. Tailor-make the ads for the bands. Before the Keane or Coldplay album you could advertise Tena Lady for all the bed-wetters. FHM and WKD could hop onto the Kaiser Chiefs’ LP and ensnare all the self-styled ironic lads. Dulux could plug tins of magnolia paint before James Blunt starts his whinging. And as for Babyshambles. You could give your friendly neighbourhood drug-pusher a platform to air his wares. Supporting local independent businesses. That’s what it’s all about.



So what about Vanessa & The O’s? Well they are French. So you’d probably be best off plugging a beret shop. Or a City & Guilds in rudeness. Actually, I’m doing them a disservice with that last one. I love them. I could waffle on about the Velvet Underground circa Sunday Morning, or Serge Gainsbourg, or Bacharach at his loosest. But there’s no point. These are all clearly influences. Yet V & The O’s are much more than the sum of these reference points. I think the biggest compliment i could pay them would be to say that if they were a film, they’d be Amelie. That might be incredibly lazy on my behalf but i just can’t get the comparison out of my head. I think it’s the accent. Kerry Katona just couldn’t pull this album off. And nor could Janice Battersby pull the role of Amelie off. It’s the respective Frenchness of them that makes them special and gives you that warm tingly sensation. Being British, this album gives me some much needed respite from listening to lads from northern shitholes moan about how shit their particular hole is. They don’t look like this either.





I think it’d be rude if she wasn’t extremely glamorous. I don’t even know what the O’s look like. They’re probably too busy eating Polos and Honey Nut Loops to have their picture taken.


http://www.we7.com/
http://www.myspace.com/vanessaandtheos